“He should pull his weight”

“Its not my responsibility”

“She shouldn’t be so lazy”

“I’m not being paid for this”

“It’s not my job”

Around every problem that has yet to be solved, there is a pile of resistance in the form of thoughts like these creating a diversion.  Thoughts guide our mind’s direction.  If we are all thinking about why it’s not my problem, the mind automatically guides us into ‘because..this, that or the other’, we move into justification and defense.

Once a thought has been questioned, the mind can be redirected.  We ask ‘is it true?’ as a way to invite the mind out of its rigidity.  We ask ‘how do you react when you believe this thought’ as a way to show the mind how futile this thought is in creating anything positive or stress-free.  We then ask ‘who would you be without this thought?’ or another way of looking at it is ‘without this thought, what would you be doing differently?’  and this is where the lightbulbs can really start working.

Every morning in my household it used to be a chaotic mix of pushing, herding, shouting, nudging, panic, lecturing, frustration, and stress to get the kids onto the bus on time.  I noticed that many a morning I was packing the bags, trying to remember if it was PE or Library or homework day and often forgetting important pieces of information and getting mad at the fact the girls were mindlessly wandering about without any cares.  It came to me that my stressful thought was ‘they should do more’ and with it was lots of other stressful thoughts about expat brats, poor mothering skills and the like.

As I was Inquiring into this thought (when the house was quiet again), I noticed that when I had the thought ‘my children should do more’ I just yelled at them and made everyone feel inadequate and upset.  After years of yelling, it was clearly not helping or changing anything except my blood pressure.  When I didn’t have the thought ‘my children should do more’ my mind started to accept this fact and automatically asked ‘so if the kids are not supposed to do more, what are you going to do to stop this insanity?’  I immediately went into problem solving mode and came up with a list of things I could do which included getting ready in the evening, packing the bags and having lists more clearly laid out as to the children’s activities by day etc.  As I was brainstorming, I suddenly realized that the kids could be doing this with me.  In the evenings we had more time and it could become part of the bedtime routine – in that way, my children would be doing more.  Bingo, problem solved.

In any problem situation the same criteria exists.  What are you resisting or thinking ‘should’ be happening that isn’t.  Are you upset that someone else should be doing something that they are not?  Are you annoyed that someone else isn’t taking responsibility?  Are you convinced that someone is wrong?  Question these beliefs and be open to taking full responsibility – you’ll be surprised at the answers that come to you once you see that change can only come from you.  And if you are thinking ‘that’s not fair, I want them to change first’, then that is a good place to start!

“The Work of Byron Katie is a way to identify and question the thoughts that
cause all of the suffering in the world. It is a way to find peace with yourself and
with the world. The old, the young, the sick, the well, the educated, the
uneducated—anyone with an open mind can do this Work.

Byron Kathleen Reid became severely depressed while in her thirties. Over a
ten ­year period her depression deepened, and Katie (as she is called) spent
almost two years rarely able to leave her bed, obsessing over suicide. Then one
morning, from the depths of despair, she experienced a life ­changing realization.
Katie saw that when she believed that something should be different than it is
(“My husband should love me more,” “My children should appreciate me”) she
suffered, and that when she didn’t believe these thoughts, she felt peace. She
realized that what had been causing her depression was not the world around
her, but what she believed about the world around her. In a flash of insight,
Katie saw that our attempt to find happiness was backward—instead of
hopelessly trying to change the world to match our thoughts about how it
“should” be, we can question these thoughts and, by meeting reality as it is,
experience unimaginable freedom and joy. Katie developed a simple yet
powerful method of inquiry, called The Work, that made this transformation
practical. As a result, a bed­ridden, suicidal woman became filled with love for
everything life brings.

Katie’s insight into the mind is consistent with leading­edge research in
cognitive psychology, and The Work has been compared to the Socratic dialogue,
Buddhist teachings, and 12­step programs. But Katie developed her method
without any knowledge of religion or psychology. The Work is based purely on
one woman’s direct experience of how suffering is created and ended. It is
astonishingly simple, accessible to people of all ages and backgrounds, and
requires nothing more than a pen and paper and an open mind. Katie saw right
away that giving people her insights or answers was of little value—instead, she
offers a process that can give people their own answers. The first people exposed
to her Work reported that the experience was transformational, and she soon
began receiving invitations to teach the process publicly.”

www.thework.com

Person who wants you to say yes: “I really need your help, I’m in a bit of a pickle with my finances – you know the recession has hit my business really badly and I’m struggling to make ends meet.  The kids’ school fees are due this month and I just can’t find the cash – I really need a loan, not for too long, maybe 6 months, a year?  I know you have the cash, its small change to you really – can you please loan it to me – it will mean the kids can stay in school and it would really help me out.”

You: “I really understand that you are in trouble, and no.”

Person who wants you to say yes: “What?  You’re saying no?  But my kids!  Are you telling me to take them out of school?  To leave their friends and their life?  How am I going to tell them that you don’t care enough for them?  How can you do this to me, I’m your brother/sister/parent/friend!”

You: “I love you, and no”

So, we practiced this in the School and it seemed easy enough, NOT!  Can you imagine just saying ‘no’ to someone you love and getting all this guilt laid on you and still saying no, with no justification or defense?  Well as a people pleaser I was desperate to try it out, but also scared stiff.

Of course the friendly universe has given me several opportunities to practice since coming home

The first opportunity was an old colleague who wanted me to talk at an event that I really didn’t want to do.  She’s an old friend and she’s given me lots of work in the past, I was uncomfortable saying no because I didn’t want to let her down and I was mindful of repercussions in our future relationship.  My first attempt at an honest ‘no’ was simply ignored along the lines of “I can’t take your no for an answer, you owe me and you have to say yes” in a very long winded and emotional email detailing lots of past history, justification etc etc.  When I got her response I immediately went into defense and went to bed tossing and turning all the brilliant justifications I could give her for saying ‘no’.  Then I remembered my honest ‘no’ and my stress just melted away.  In response to her 2 page email I replied “I understand you feel strongly about this, and no.”  I cannot tell you how good that felt!  Clean, pure, authentic, honest – wow!  Ok, now I get it, really, I am never doing differently.  Amazing!

The rub is, even though I now felt clear and good about it, it still doesn’t mean she did, and by the way she didn’t – she came back a third time but with decidedly less heat in her tone and expectation.  I think my honesty and brevity knocked a lot of wind out of her sail and maybe allowed her to open to the possibility that another option could also work.  In the end we did come up with something else that was workable and kept us both in integrity.

My key learning was in seeing how damaging I was being to my own integrity, saying ‘yes’ just to please someone is always a ‘no’ to yourself.  I learnt that giving an honest ‘no’ not only makes me feel brilliant with the force of a massive ‘YES’ to myself, but it also opens the other party to collaboration making it much easier to come to a win win.

This is such a powerful realization for me, I am not even sure I can articulate it, but I’m going to try!

An Example:
I went to a  friend’s birthday party over the weekend and when I gave her my gift I said:
“ sorry, it’s not very exciting”, the words just spilled out apologetically and then the evening moved on.  Later, another friend who had observed the exchange commented that it was an odd thing to say “why were you apologizing when you bought her a nice gift?  That was a weird thing to say!” she said to me.

Well, this is what my mind did…in sequence:

“How rude, why did she even bother to tell me she thought I was weird?!”
“She’s weird for telling me I’m weird!”
“I’m not weird.”
“Oh god, maybe I am weird?  Did I do something wrong?”
“Oh No, I DID do something wrong, I shouldn’t have said that”
“Does the party girl now think I’m weird too?”
“I diminished the gift, why did I do that?”
“Why do I apologize for everything, I’m such a schmuck”
“Ugh, I really suck”

Ok, don’t tell me you don’t do this too sometimes!!   But notice where I go!  My friend tells me I said a weird thing and I end up beating myself up and turning the simple statement into a self-massacre!

So I am sitting there with my torrent of thoughts, feeling bad about myself, and feeling angry at my friend for starting all this in the first place, when my ‘wise self’ whispers:

“Is it true? ‘That was a weird thing to say’, is it true?”

Umm, yeh, I guess it was.

From here a strange thing happened.  I simply saw the truth in it.  I saw that I didn’t need to apologize for buying a birthday gift for someone.  I saw that my friend was gifting me criticism so I could see what I was doing and be more aware next time.  I saw that my friend’s honesty was my growing awareness.  And I got very excited that I was seeing it so clearly.  In that moment all my anger and stress simply dropped away, I fell into peace again.

Who would you be without your story?

“But, but…I hate arrogant, self-righteous people who can’t apologies!  That’s NOT me!!!”  So whose being arrogant and self-righteous now?  You know those moments when people call you stubborn or stuck up or down-right WRONG!  And you feel so outraged and angry and you look at them incredulously and think ‘WHAT?!?!  They are the ones being stubborn, stuck up and definitely WRONG!

Welcome to the mirror

There is a very simple way to begin the healing process and see for yourself the healing and freedom that can take place when you stop the denial.  Think of anything that causes you stress around other people – what beliefs are you carrying around about what people should and should do or say:

• People should be courteous
• People should be kind
• People should not kill
• People should apologize when they are wrong

Any thought that when I ask “Is it True?” you answer with an unswerving “YES”

This is denial.  You are fighting reality, you are fighting what is showing up in the world – we are not talking about morality here, I am only interested in the truth – not my moral truth, my religious truth, the ACTUAL truth.  Look around and take off the blinkers.  People are rude, people push into the queue, people kill each other, people don’t apologize.  I am screaming against the truth of it, and then wondering why I experience stress.  Screaming doesn’t solve anything….. isn’t that closer to the truth?

What would happen if you let go of the thought, just for a moment.  Who would you be without the story of ‘he should do this’ or ‘they should do that’?  Can you even imagine life without your constant barrage of thinking?  What is under it all?  Could it be freedom, peace, calm, joy?

So long as we insist on holding on to the thoughts, we leave ourselves no choice but to experience the stress of it. “It shouldn’t be like this” we scream…”but it is” the universe says back…”but it SHOULDN’T be” we scream…”but it is” the universe says back…

How can we possibly hear our truth, experience the peace or love underneath the screaming?

Here’s what I know has been true for me….

• The less I fight reality the more I see it as kind and loving
• The more I accept what others say to me, the more I see it is always true, the less impact it has on me
• The less I expect others to do, the more they actually do
• The less I expect myself to do, the more I actually want to do
• If I stop pushing myself, I get more done effortlessly
• The more I inquire as to my thoughts, the more I love them.

Come and experience it for yourself!

See here for more info

For a private facilitated session, please call me! Elaine 9660 4893

So here goes an intellectual version of the real thing!
#1 Literal Listening:

In many other tools and philosophies (Law of Attraction, NLP) we are taught that the universe hears us literally, and whatever we focus on is what we get.  So for example in LOA we do not use negatives such as “I don’t want to be fat” because the Universe picks up on the focus ie the word ‘fat’ and gives us more of that.

In learning to speak literally and to get really clear on what we want, Byron Katie flips it and asks us to get really literal on what we hear as well.  It seems so obvious, but it was a real lightbulb for me.

For example, you’re having a fight and your partner yells at you “You’re not Listening to me!!!!!” what goes on in your head when that is said is probably a similar version to what goes on in my head:

“That’s not true!  I totally listen, he’s the one not listening!”
“I can repeat everything he said to me!”
“I don’t need to listen, he’s already repeat himself 5 times”
“I don’t need to listen, he’s wrong anyway”  Etc etc

In literal listening, we hear the statement: “You’re not Listening to me!!!!!” and we pause, take it in, and ask ourselves…is it true?

Well, duh!  With all that nonsense going on in my head, of course I’m not listening!

The usefulness of this technique is in its simplicity, and truth.  If we assume the Universe is kind, everything that happens to us is part of the Universal support for our growth and learning.  So when someone says to us “You’re not Listening to me!!!!!” it’s a strong message from the Universe that we need to start listening – yes to the person who is talking to us, but also elsewhere in our life, eg. To ourself, to the world, to others, to our body etc etc where else in your life are you not listening?

There’s another way this works that is a real gem if you are fed up of fighting with loved one.  I now see every argument as a gift from the Universe, lots of messages for me to meditate on!  Recently my hubbie and I started a heated discussion on the topic of our children, but instead of rushing to my own defense, I rushed for the pen and paper, sat down and started scribbling furiously as he talked “What else?” I asked him.  You can imagine it stopped the fight dead.  Who can stay angry when you are nodding and writing and feeling gratitude that your partner is such a brilliant teacher, and who can remain unheard and frustrated when your partner is scribbling down your every word and asking for more feedback?

The end of War, now that’s something worth learning!

Sunday 16th October, 10am-5pm
$180

“My partner doesn’t appreciate me.”
“My mother doesn’t love me.”
“I need more money.”
“I don’t like my body.”

Thoughts like these run through our minds many times a day, creating fear, anger, stress, and depression. How different would your life be if these thoughts never bothered you again? The Work of Byron Katie is a process that clears the mind. It is a way to identify and question the thoughts that cause all the suffering and violence in the world.

This technique is very effective for people who feel stuck in patterns of behavior or thought, who are struggling with relationships, anger issues or trauma and sadness.  Inquiry is a simple process where the mind is harnessed and invited to explore other alternatives to its current line of thought.

During this day, we will look at some of the thoughts creating the most stress in your life.  We will learn a simple process for questioning those thoughts and exploring other ways of thinking.  We will learn through case studies, experience, and helping to facilitate each other through the Work.  This is a Work day, an opportunity to release those beliefs, gain greater clarity and lighten the load.  Anyone with an open heart and mind can do this Work

Are you ready to release some of your tightest, most rigid beliefs?  If so, come along!  This immersion is open to all levels, it is a day to inquire, to deepen you inquiry if you are already familiar with the Work, and to gain greater insights.

To book your seat: contact us

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Byron Katie